I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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