god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
