Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
