i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
