the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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