I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
