don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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