i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
