Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
