I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
