Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
