i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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