ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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