How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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