i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize