thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
