I could have mohawked her pubes.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
