Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize