My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
