I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
