I accidentally burped into my bong.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
