Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
