the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
