All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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