this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
