My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
