SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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