Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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