I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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