My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
