Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
