If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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