I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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