You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
