One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
