her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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