margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
