What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
