Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
