dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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