I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
