why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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