soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
