I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
