I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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