i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
