Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
