I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
