break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
