Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize