cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
