I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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