you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
