my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
