She went from zero to smokin in five shots
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
