Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
