I wish my penis had an off switch
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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