I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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